Finding The Light: What Are You Running From?

In the course of my existence, no experience has ever been more difficult for me to tell than the story I’m about to disclose to you. It will fully expose my innermost brokenness and struggles while also revealing the true weakness of my spirit in a time when I desired nothing more than to continue running. My rationale for finally making this information available is a combination of an obligation I feel to share it and the desire for just one person to hear my story with an open heart. Now that I have provided a formal introduction to this tale, I will begin without further delay.

I awoke with a sudden alertness to a sound that could not be identified in a space filled with darkness and void of any recognizable form. I sat up from the cold ground beneath me to begin the process of gathering my senses but found myself unable to adjust to the darkness that surrounded me. Fear gripped my heart as I realized that I had no memories prior to this moment and that I was totally unfamiliar with my current environment. Suddenly, I remembered the noise that had awoken me was the only sound I had heard since awakening. I placed all of my focus into listening for that sound again, and could only hear it after my own heartbeat slowed down to a steady rhythm. Any courage I had gathered up to this point left me as I recognized the noise was the sound of laughter.

The laughing started off as one voice far in the distance but lacked any kind of joy or goodwill. It quickly became louder with many voices joining in as the laughter surrounded me. Dread overwhelmed me as I came to the conclusion that they were provoking me. It was at this moment I was flooded with feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, and regret. The laughter surrounding me grew louder and louder as my confidence and self-esteem lessened and lessened. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I stood up and ran as quickly as my legs would carry me. Only darkness rushed past me as I ran, and I still couldn’t decipher any shape or form hiding in the shadows. Despite this, I decided I would do anything to escape the shame that had filled my heart.

As I ran, I could tell that forces that wished me harm were following me. The laughter had subsided but was now replaced by threatening taunts of violence and harm. They cried out that I would never escape them. They shouted that I would feel defeat no matter how hard I fight or how far I run. They promised that I deserved to feel pain, suffering and torture by their hands. As terror pushed me to run harder, I knew that fatigue would cause me to stumble. As I was just about to give up hope, I suddenly saw a dim light coming from what appeared to be a cave of some sort. I forced myself to ignore the yelling behind me and made it safely to shelter.

As I entered this dwelling, I became painfully aware of a crippling depression as anxiety shook me to my core. My heart was broken as I thought of the possibility that I might never escape this nightmare. I sat down and wept because of the extent of the loneliness I felt. I cried out and shouted, but it only succeeded to deepen my anguish. I attempted to stand, only to realize I lacked the will to move, which caused me to fall to the ground in defeat. As I thought of the impossibility of my situation, I was forced to give up on any hope I had of relief. As I heard the voices drawing nearer, I knew that I could no longer run any further. My only chance was to fight, but I was still so saddened by this place that I couldn’t will myself to even a sitting position. As thoughts of my demise filled my mind, I could only lay there in my desperation as tears rolled off my face and terror seized my spirit.

The dim light I had found security in begun to fade away as I was once again plunged into perpetual darkness. The threatening voices were growing louder and bolder as they came closer and closer to my location. I felt fear fill up my entire being as I accepted my fate. Defeat stabbed me like a knife as I forced my eyes closed and wrapped my arms around my knees. The voices screamed in my ears and spoke discouragement into my soul, but I never received any kind of release from this torture. I finally saw that I could do nothing to end this onslaught of oppression, and called out for help in hopes that I would be delivered from my suffering. As soon as I cried out, I was amazed to see a blinding light erupt from the entrance of the cave with great power and authority.

Immediately, I found myself surrounded by silence. The voices that had caused so much hurt and pain were nowhere to be heard. The shame I had harbored inside my soul faded away, and the loneliness I felt vanished in an instant. I looked up to see a man standing before me surrounded by light burning with righteousness, and I attempted to stand before him. I quickly found myself back on the ground as I lacked the ability to support my weight. The man instructed me to be still, and a peace washed over me that I had never known. He then picked me up with great gentleness and carried me out of that dark place never to return. That man was Jesus